If perpetual disagreements or unresolvable marriage conflicts are not handled well, they can turn into marriage-killing deadlocks that resurface regularly, causing more emotional distancing with each return. Here’s what the cycle looks like:
Couples have the same argument repeatedly – with no resolution. The words exchanged follow a well-worn track driven by personalities and previous patterns of arguing. More time and energy are spent attacking each other than exploring the issue.
There is no capacity for empathy or affection while discussing the issue. Rather than making progress toward a solution, husband and wife are pushed further apart emotionally.
The argument stumbles to an end because there’s no more time, one person concedes, or a door slams and someone opts for retreat. In any case, the issue is left unresolved and spouses feel unfairly treated and misunderstood.
Compromise now seems out of the question because couples feel like they have to give up something important or abandon a core value. The argument has gone too far for either husband or wife to give in while retaining any self-respect.
The Good News About Perpetual Disagreements
But perpetual disagreements and don’t have to derail your marriage. Most unresolvable marriage conflicts won’t harm your relationship if you and your spouse have an adequate set of communication skills and follow a few basic principles. Consider the following:
Remember that the vast majority of unresolvable marriage conflicts involve differences of opinion rather than do-or-die moral issues. It is all right to agree to disagree on these.
Don’t try to argue your spouse into changing how he or she feels. If your wife likes the color green, there is nothing gained by trying to convince her that blue is better. If your husband hates opera, you’ll probably never get him to appreciate it. What you can do, however, is encourage some thoughtful conversations in which you unpack your own feelings about an issue on which the two of you disagree. This might lead to a shift in your spouse’s opinion, but more importantly, these conversations are the stuff of which real intimacy is made.
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If one of you is messy and the other is easily agitated by disorder, both of you could show love, honor and generosity by moving in the other’s direction
Listen and acknowledge each other’s viewpoint – it’s far more important than winning the argument. You can each have passionate opinions regarding your unresolvable marriage conflicts, but you’ll need to express them in a way that your spouse feels heard, respected and even admired. This form of communication requires that you listen to the other person’s ideas, ask questions, clarify what you don’t understand, avoid interrupting and banish snarky comments from your conversation.
Seek to understand what the unresolvable marriage conflict with your spouse is really about. Active listening has a way of uncovering the history and emotions that may be impacting your spouse’s viewpoint – and yours. Nearly every important perpetual disagreement has at least one underlying theme: security versus risk, order versus clutter, strict versus permissive parenting, saving versus spending, how one family did things versus how the other did them, etc. Doing the work to unearth these themes can profoundly impact the health of your marriage.
Commit to praying both as individuals and as a couple. Dealing with perpetual conflict often requires wisdom and tact beyond our limited human capabilities. Submitting these issues to God in prayer is the beginning of wisdom and the foundation of marriage harmony.
Look for creative ways to find a compromise and honor your spouse’s position. For example, you could take the type of vacation one person likes one year and then switch for the next year. You could spend Christmas with one set of relatives this year and the other set next year.
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